The God Stallman by storyfag !!1JBhK3LE2/n. As seen on boards.4chan.org/g/.

John was no longer a young man. He was now well into his 40s, and spent most of his life in his mother's basement. He hadn't left his computer chair in 10 years; a system had been fixed to directly funnel food to his desk, and his chair was positioned over a 10 foot hole which he directly used as a bathroom. The basement consisted of gray concrete walls, with a wooden staircase directly behind him. The only thing illuminating the room was the dim light of his CRT monitor. To any other man, it would have been a hellhole. But to john, it was bliss.

John browsed /g/ frequently. He made many threads which often varied in topic; some were about how desktop environments were for idiots. Some were pleas, urging people to install Gentoo or some other overcomplicated Linux distro; he happened to have 6 distros installed. Some were entirely devoted to explaining how Haskell is the god language, and nobody could ever question it, no matter their experience. It was fairly routine.
But, on the day John saw that fateful post, his life was changed.

This post was an elaborately crafted statement. It boasted of the greatness of the Stallman, and how nobody could ever amount to even a small fraction of his glory. It said that, no matter how long a man resided in his basement, no matter how long a man devoted his life to his coding, he could never attain the greatness of the stallman, challenge the stallman, or attain his glorious god neckbeard.
John was enraged.
He had spent the last ten years in his basement, and had mastered the way of the program. To him, Assembly was as easy as python.
But, there was one burning, obvious fact that made it all so bittersweet.
He had never accomplished anything with his skill. He had never done anything that a large amount of people would appreciate. Even if he was somehow greater than the greatest of all, it would never matter.
John decided that that had to change.
He had to attain the god neckbeard.

John knew how to summon the great stallman; the procedure was fairly simple. Make a pentagram, with computers at each point of the star. Each computer must be purged of nonfree software, and then the summoner must write a script in lisp to automatically compile Gentoo. Once the compilation begins, the great stallman will appear in the middle of the pentagram.
But first, he had to get out of the basement.

This would not be an easy task, as after so many years, almost all of John's muscles had completely atrophied, and could most likely not bear his 500 pound weight. There was only one waJohn was not deterred by this obstacle. With a thunderous roar, he called for his mother. She opened the door to the basement, and looked down at her son. He looked like a large, albino boulder.
"What do you need, John?" she called, in a frail voice.
"Get me up these stairs! I need to defeat the stallman!"
His mother rolled her eyes, and walked into the adjacent living room. She pulled out a large machine from behind the couch, and rolled it back to the top of the basement steps.
"I'll use this to liposuction some of that fat out of you, maybe you'll be able to walk if you weigh less. I don't have any anesthetic, you're going to have to take it dry."
"Do it quickly woman, there is no time to waste!"
His mother rolled the machine down the steps, and brandished the large syringe which lead back to the main containment section of the machine.
"I'll get that stomach fat first."
She rammed the needle into his gargantuan stomach, and began to siphon the gallons of fat from his bulk. He roared like a madman, shaking the house with his pain induced bellows as the fat left his body.
Suddenly, the machine stopped, and after a few seconds, snapped the stair that it was positioned on in half, and hit the floor of the basement with a thud.
"Darn, must have reached full capacity," said his mother, "Can you walk now?"
John was around 200 pounds lighter, and his muscles could just barely support him. He slowly got up, and looked towards the top of the stairs.
The first step in his mission was complete.

John stepped over the massive hole left by the machine, and continued up the stairs, which lead into the kitchen. The slightly intense light of the overhead lamp was blinding. After 5 minutes, John's eyes adjusted to the light. The house had definitely changed since he had last entered it, but he couldn't remember how. After all, it had been ten years.
"How long will you be gone?" yelled his mother.
"I don't know if I'll ever come back!"
"If you come back without an accomplishment, I'll shoot you in the dick so I can at least have an excuse for having no grandchildren!"
"Oh, don't worry mother. If I come back, it will be with many bitches."
John went through the living room, and came to the front door. As he opened it, sunlight streamed through, nearly blinding John. His willpower prevented that.
He walked out onto the street of his small suburb in Florida. It was a slightly hot summer day. Everything seemed so new, so fresh. John hadn't breathed fresh air for ten years. He still preferred the basement air, as any man deserving of the god neckbeard would. He walked down the left side of the road. All the houses in his neighborhood were one story, and painted white. The front yards varied slightly, but not too much. John reached the corner, and looked over to the left. There was a busy street at the end of this road; John figured that this would take him to the city. The only place where he could procure six computers was in the city, he thought, so naturally, he had to get there.

John reached the corner where the suburb street merged into the busy road, and looked in either direction. To the left, there were more houses. To the right, was a bare road, with some large buildings on the horizon. He took the right path.
The outside world was different than he remembered. Why wasn't everyone on a laptop? Why weren't people yelling at each other to install Gentoo, or loudly arguing over who has the better coding language? Why weren't people beating each other over the head with their cases, battling over who had the best "Guts"? Maybe /g/ had tainted his mind.

Strange things sped past John as he walked. From what he could tell, they were mostly large computer cases, with powerful LEDs in the front, four wheels, and five panel windows. "These must be the ricer lords," thought John, "better stay out of their way." John looked down at himself as he walked. He had worn the same clothes for the past ten years; a sweat stained white t-shirt, cargo pants, and sandals with socks. He thought he looked pretty stylish.

Matthew drove down the road. The day wasn't too hot, but it was quite humid. He was in a brown 1980 toyota tercel. Matthew was a member of the "Coalition of the new beard," a force dedicated to the destruction of the great stallman. They felt that he had become corrupt, and that change was necessary. He had been searching for the one true neckbeard lord, the one who could wield the power of the god neckbeard.
He spotted a man, about 100 feet in front of him. He had all the characteristics of the one spoken of in the legendary hidden tomes of SICP.
That man was John.

Matthew sped up, quickly reached John, and pulled over. He jumped out of his car, opened the trunk, and attempted to throw John into it. It was, alas, unsuccessful, as Matthew could not throw his massive bulk into the back; John was still 300 pounds.
He had to think of another way.
"Hey, you!" said Matthew, "I have four GTX 580s in quad SLI running in the back of my car!"
"Good god man! You'll engulf the world in flame!"
John ran over to the trunk, and scrambled into it, desperately looking for the GTX 580s.
"Wait a second, if those video cards were really back here, this entire state would have already become molten la-"
John was interrupted by the sensation of a trunk door plowing into his massive ass cheeks, and finally coming to a close with a click.
"What is this? What do you want with me?" pleaded John.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I'm a member of the Coalition of the New Beard. I'll explain your task later. For now, you can amuse yourself on the netbook back there by installing Gentoo onto it; you'll find the trunk is quite stocked with installation disks."
However, John had found the disks long ago, and had already begun installing Gentoo out of sheer, primal urge.
Matthew pulled back onto the street.
"Wow, he has the Gentoo sense? He must be the one," thought Matthew. "Finally, we can begin a new era."

Matthew and John eventually reached the city. Gentoo had begun compiling, so, instinctively, John had gone into hibernation to wait out the process. Matthew, however, was wide awake. They navigated the streets; some people noticed the enormous ass crack pressed up against the glass window on the back of the trunk, and could only stare in confusion. They eventually reached a small store connected to many, many others; this was the city's technology district. Most buildings were brick and mortar, but some were concrete. They all appeared to be very old, possibly even dating back to the time of the ancient ENIAC. Matthew pulled up in front of one of the brick and mortar stores, which bore a large neon sign that read, "COMPUTERS N DISTROS". Matthew opened the trunk, releasing a large amount of John's ass from compression, and walked around to the back of the car. He was in a Gentoo-induced hibernation, and there was only one way to stop it. He had to cancel the installation.

Matthew walked into the store, and about five minutes later, emerged with two men in black robes. They walked up to the back of the car, and carefully removed the laptop from the trunk, as to not upset John. The two men in robes began chanting over the laptop, as if to apologize to the gods for breaking the sacred act of compilation. Matthew held the power button on the computer until it deactivated. John instantly awoke, screaming.
"What have you done to my precious installation?! Good god, how could you break the sacred process! I'll kill you!" John flew at Matthew in a murderous rage, but was held back by the men in the robes. "Calm down, John. It was necessary. We will appease the gods later with ten more installations. Now, come with me. We have work to do." Matthew lead John into the store; it was lit by a single light bulb in the middle of the ceiling. There were dusty wooden shelves, completely packed with ancient looking books on many types of computer science. There was a single man at a congruously brown, wooden table at the other end of the store. Behind him and to the left was a sturdy-looking iron door. The man was on an IBM Thinkpad, which was linked to a couple server towers to the right of the desk as a terminal. It ran on slackware.
"What are the four operating systems of the holy order?"
"Slackware, Arch, Debian, and above all, Gentoo," said Matthew.
The metal door slid open.

Matthew lead John through the door, and down a stone corridor. It was lit by only torches.
"Can't have any EM interference down here, you know. Lightbulbs may give off a very low amount, but only torches meet our requirements. So, let me tell you why you're here, John. For years, we have been trying to destroy the great stallman, and replace him with someone worthy. Only the one who can defeat him is worthy to replace him. Many have tried," Matthew said, pulling his sleeve up. His arm bore the mark of gNewSense. "But all of them, including me, have failed. We are marked for life now; the stallman will not face us any longer. But you. You bear the characteristics of the one true neckbeard lord, as dictated in the ancient tomes of the hidden SICP. I believe that you can defeat him, John."
They opened another, older door at the bottom of the steps, and emerged into a huge cavern. There were rows upon rows of black-robed men, all working away on computers. There were rows upon rows of server towers behind these men, and their computers were connected to them. "This is where we maintain the Stallman Repulsion Field, also known as the SRF. He would have used the god neckbeard long ago to annihilate our entire facility. You see, the power of the god neckbeard enables the bearer to access the terminal of reality. This does not mean he can see all at once, however, he can observe any certain section of reality as he pleases. The field shields us from his attacks; he would have run sudo -rm -rf on us long ago if it had not been maintained.

Matthew lead John further down the corridor formed by the rows of desks. At the end, there was a massive, reinforced steel door. A soul-piercing bellowing occasionally emanated from the door. "That door leads to the summoning room. It is completely set up for the ritual. I assume you know the ritual; any informed man does." They reached the door. John stood, looking at the door, as Matthew stepped to the side. "Defeat him, John. Take your rightful place as the lord."
Four men in black robes emerged from the rows of desks. Their robes were accented in blue. "These are the Gentoo elite. Only they can bear the keys."
Each man produced a large, golden key from his robe. There were four keyholes, two on either side of the door, directly across from each other. They inserted their keys, and one final keyhole emerged in the middle of the door. Matthew removed a key from his robe; it glowed with a lustrous red, which slowly changed to blue, to green,and then back to red. It was studded with diamonds, and made from gold.
"This is the master key, constructed from the bones of the master ricer lord from times long past. I am the head of the order, and only I can bear it." Matthew inserted the key into the door, and immediately, channels of multicolored light appeared, connecting to the other keyholes. The door unlocked, and slowly opened.
"Have strength, John," said Matthew. "You are the true neckbeard lord".
John stepped into the chamber, and the door quickly slammed shut, trapping him inside.

The chamber was a small, spherical room. The walls were gray stone, with torches attached to them, lighting the room. In the middle of the room, there was a pentagram, with thinkpads at each point of the pentagram. They are the only substance known to exist that can withstand the force of the summoning. In front of each one lay a jewel case, containing a Gentoo installation disk. Each computer had been primed for the summoning.

John went to each computer, creating the necessary lisp code on each one for the installation of Gentoo, and then inserting the installation disks. After preparations were finished, he began the installation on every laptop. As the last laptop began, a massive gust of wind ripped through the chamber, blowing out all the torches. A faint red light appeared in the middle of the pentagram, suspended in the air. The entire underground complex began to quake under the brunt of the awesome power. Red bolts of electricity exploded from the center of the pentagram. The outline of a figure slowly appeared, hovering above the pentagram.
And with a blinding flash of red light, Stallman materialized, levitating above the pentagram.

Stallman looked down at John. His power was unimaginable; John felt like he was being crushed under the sheer force of it. A faint red glow emanated from his outline. His awesomely, unbelievably powerful neckbeard flowed from his neck like only a stream of pure energy could.
"So, you're the new 'lord of the neckbeard'? Let me tell you something, runt. I defeated the almighty Dennis Ritchie for this power, who took it from ENIAC after defeating its guardians, John Mauchly the annihilator, and John Eckert the Devourer. What makes you think you have even a fraction of their power?"
"I would never even imagine that I had that much power, Stallman. I am not so self serving. But, I know that you are weakened. Your human form, no matter how relatively massive, is still pathetic compared to the power of the Beard. After all these years, the sheer force of the beard has degraded your human form. I am the true neckbeard lord, Stallman, and I intend to take my place as it!"
A smile crept across Stallman's face. His eyes began to glow a faint red.
"Well then, if you believe that you are so entitled to my power, then prove it."

Stallman materialized two discs of silicon, each bursting with massive power, and hurled them at John. John took the entire force of the attack into his bulk; he immediately initialized his EM shield to disrupt the power of the discs. With a flash of light, the discs burst into thousands of pieces, lodging in the walls and fracturing the chamber. John charged a Fermi fist, and with all of his strength, plunged it towards Stallman's face. Stallman's hand was instantly in its path, blocking the attack. The force of the attack was like something only hell could produce; but Stallman was stronger.

The force of the fist was completely negated by Stallman's power. He shattered the energy of the attack, and began to crush John's hand.
"I thought you'd put up more of a fight than this, 'neckbeard lord'! This is pathetic!"
The bones in John's hand began to shatter. He became locked in a stare with Stallman, and let out a roar that carried enough power to fracture the walls of the chamber even further. His eyes began to glow a bright blue, and from his outline burst a piercing blue aura.
John's true Gentoo power had been released.
He grabbed the wrist of the hand that Stallman was using to crush his hand, tore him from his iron grip, and hurled him into a wall of the chamber. The force of the collision caused the ceiling of the previous chamber to fracture. The complex was beginning to collapse.

Stallman looked up at John, and his aura suddenly became brighter. The Beard turned red. He was about to utilize its power.
John shifted to the left with incredible speed as Stallman fired the unholy beam of red energy towards him. The beam drove through the chamber ceiling, into the previous room, and out through the ground and towards the sky. Stallman grabbed John, and hurled him through the newly-created hole out towards the surface. As he exited the hole, John turned towards it, and created a massive EM shield. The entire force of Stallman's /dev/null attack was delivered into the shield; it was instantly removed from existance.

The force of the attack sent John well into the exosphere. Stallman was instantly behind him, and promptly hurled him back towards earth. It took John three seconds to collide with the ground, creating a shock wave that destroyed almost all the buildings in the area; the complex store was still shielded with the EM shield, and remained standing.
John quickly moved out of the crater he had just created as Stallman smashed into it, plowing a massive counterattack directly into the earth. The light of the blast could be seen from space. John delivered a terrifyingly powerful Sandy Bridge blast directly into Stallman's back, further driving him into the ground. John touched down next to Stallman.
He appeared to be dead.
John's blue aura dissipated. His power was no longer needed. He reached down to claim the beard, as the one true neckbeard lord.
Stallman opened his eyes, grabbed John, flipped positions and slammed John into the crater.

Stallman prepared a final Bulldozer blast. He charged it fully, and held it above John's head.
"You thought you could defeat me! The great Stallman, destroyer of gods! The bearer of the Beard! You are truly foolish. Nobody can stand against me, and nobody will ever stand against me again. I will always and forever be, the bearer of the Beard. The Neckbeard Lord."
"You do not deserve it, Stallman. I know of your corruption, your misuse of the power. I know that it has made you mad. Even when I am gone, your body will still deteriorate, and even if nobody takes you, you will fall. Then someone will take your place. Someone better."
"Strong words from a man who faces his death. Do you have any last requests of my power?"
"Only one. But, could you promise a dying man that it will be fufilled?"
"Anything you say will be entered into the life console. Say it now."
John began to smile.
"sudo...
-rm...
-rf...
Stallman!"
With the utterance of that final word, Stallman's form began to fracture.
"No, no! I have been tricked! You bastard! Someday you'll pay for this, someday you'll be destroyed as I have!"
Stallman's body fractured into a thousand golden pieces, and with a flash of light, he was gone.
And in his place, laid the Beard.

John got up. He was bleeding profusely; he didn't have long left. He touched the beard, and suddenly felt imbued by an immense power. The Beard attached itself to John's neck, and healed his wounds. Matthew emerged from the store, and walked over to John.
"So, this is it? You go and take your place as lord of reality, and our order disbands, knowing that our mission has been accomplished?"
John turned towards Matthew.
"No, Matthew. The coalition must always exist. For one day, I may become as corrupt as my predecessor, and then there must be someone to challenge me. There must always be a way to set things right, even if it seems like they will never go wrong. But for now, I must take my place of power. Goodbye Matthew. Thank you."
And just like that, John was gone. Off to be the true lord.
A tear ran down Matthew's cheek.
"Goodbye, John. Thank you for fulfilling my life."
Matthew walked back into the store, and returned to the field control room.

Fin.